Just Like a Woman.
Never in a million years would I imagine my life flipping upside down and coming back to me the way it did this year. I just realized who I am again, and it’s only April. I thought 2012 would end for me before the second quarter, but God. I was wrong and, for the first time, I am so grateful for that.
My main issue – what I encourage everyone from all walks of life to pay close attention to – was not taking heed to the warning signs I saw in front of me. I was selective about what I allowed to remain at the forefront of my mind, and what I decided to push back into the folds of my memory bank, stamped “deleted” and never to be reopened. I was desperate. In a junior high school setting, my daily activities would fit in somewhere during spirit week – perhaps Backwards Day. For about six months, I was living in Backwards Day every day, again and again. I still have no idea how I got there, or where the energy came from that made me change my ways, since I finally realized I couldn’t change his.
He was charming, a perfect chameleon. He fit the quintessential definition of a sociopath, and for that, I empathized with him. I fell in love with a shell, wanted, needed him to do well and be well. Everything I did, I did with him in mind. Like a mother would her child, I worried for him, thought about him, cared for him, fed him, prepared him, coached him, encouraged him, touched him. I really thought we would work, as long as I gave him 150% of myself. I never thought about what I may have needed in return, or that by the time I would officially call it quits, I would need to rely on the love of my closest family to replenish my spirit. I was burned out, as dry as the desert, empty. I saw light at the end of the tunnel because of my parents, whom I knew would not let me fall any lower. But it hurt to smile. To laugh felt good, but getting there – you know, through the smile part first – was painful. Some days, I would wake up and cry. I couldn’t pinpoint why I was crying, I just knew it hurt to breathe.
It hurt to know how much time I’d wasted, how much I loved something that didn’t love me, how much I would never get what I deserved from the person from whom I wanted it the most. Oh, but now? I watch the sun rise in the morning, and I am so very thankful to see it again, just as the day before. I get excited thinking about all the positivity I get to share, the new things I get to learn and teach. I see colors, constellations and creatures as if I’m seeing them for the first time. I get the urge to hug myself several times a day, and thank God for allowing me to accept the things that have happened to me thus far. From my angel Joshua - whom I think about and love spiritually every day - to the chaos that ensued in 820, everything was an experience. Everything has made me a woman, this woman. It’s one thing to know you’re doing well, but it’s another to know things can only get better than they are at the moment. I live that every day now, and it feels so good.
bold as love
The Notorious B.I.G.
"Sky's the Limit"
BIG changed my life way before this. But this was when I realized how important he was, is.
NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY
